Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Birthday boy!

In July of 2007, I started feeling really weird. Like, so tired I couldn't barely keep my eyes open weird. Like exhaustion I'd never felt before weird. I had no idea what was wrong with me. This went on for a week or so and then it dawned on me. I could be pregnant. In fact, if I'm not pregnant, then I have no idea what is wrong with me. I didn't really believe I was, so I easily dismissed the thought. I mean, we hadn't even been officially trying, I had barely just gotten off the pill (for reasons NOT pertaining to trying to get pregnant), and heck, we had just celebrated our first anniversary and were planning on waiting much longer before having babies. But, I thought I'd rule it out and take a pregnancy test anyway.

I took 2 tests and they were both negative. Whew! I could breathe again. But after another 2 weeks of feeling exhausted and just not right, I couldn't shake the thought. Am I really pregnant? No way. But something told me to take another test just to be sure.


Yikes! I took a second one.

Second positive. I was pretty much in shock. I ran into the living room yelling, "I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant for real!!" several times, as if I had to even convince myself that it was real. Then I sat down beside Ross and cried. Not a I'm so excited I can hardly stand it cry, it was more of a is this really happening kind of cry. I didn't feel ready. I didn't think our marriage was ready. We had talked about it and had wanted to wait to build a solid foundation ourselves before adding children to the mix, and 'we' were still so new. It was so overwhelming.

In the coming months, I settled in to the idea of having a baby. I got excited, giddy, and expectant to meet our new little one. When we learned we were having a boy, we couldn't have been more pleased. We had showers, bought clothes, washed the clothes, got the nursery ready, and when February 2008 came around, we were ready....or so we thought.

When we brought him home, the whole thing seemed surreal. Are we really doing this?? Did I really just have a baby?? It was strange, but in a good way. I was on cloud nine, with a new baby and an awesome husband, this is what every woman dreams of, right?

And then the sleepless nights started happening. I know people warn you about not getting sleep and how tired you are as a new mom, but no warnings will ever fully explain how exhausted you really are those first few months. And how much your baby cries those first few months. It was just plain rough. My world had been rocked and I thought it would never be the same again.

After those first initial months, it got easier. Not easy, mind you, but easier. I was stretched so much those first few months, and while it was hard at the time, looking back, I don't think I've ever been more thankful for another time in my life. It showed me how selfish I really was, it taught me what dying to self really looked like; what it meant to pour out all of myself for someone else; it showed me the tough stuff that a mother's love is made up of. A mother's love is tough, y'all. For those of you who have kids, you know what I mean. The sleepless nights, the piles of puke and poop that get all over you, the endless messes to clean up, all of it made me really love. Not just that surface type love, but the real stuff that the Bible talks about. I didn't do it perfectly, and I still don't, but I couldn't have done even a shred of it without the love and help of my Savior Jesus. There is no way I could have done any of that on my own. I am truly grateful for Him and for that time in my life.

I love being a mom. And I love my first born, my Jude Fergus, who has taught me so much about being a  Mommy. He definitely holds his own very special place in my heart.

Jude, you are a joy to be around and the funniest kid I know. You love to laugh and your laugh is so contagious. You are outgoing and I love that you love to talk to all kinds of people. I am so grateful to know you, to be around you every day, to watch you learn and grow. Even though you may not have been planned on our part, God planned for you and knew when you would be born, long before it happened. I pray for you every day and I know He has great plans for you.

Happy 4th birthday to my boy Jude!! Dad and Mom love you so very much!

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