The journey of the American Robin

Let me just start this post off by saying, I really don't care for birds. Some might even say I'm a little afraid of them. I've never had any sort of encounter that has left me with a forever fear-scar, I just don't like things flying around my head. And birds can be mean, y'all. I don't trust them at all! So, when we saw the beginnings of a nest forming on our back patio floodlight, I wanted to be rid of it. Ross wasn't too keen on the idea of birds making our back patio their home either. 

So what did he do? He moved the nest. Not once, not even twice, but 3 times. He threw it up on the roof, tried to tear it apart, but that mama robin was seriously determined to have her babies in our backyard. Then one day, we looked in there, ready to toss it again, and saw these:

Even though we're not fans of birds, we aren't completely heartless, so we left it there and decided we would just deal with whatever having bird babies in our backyard meant. 

We honestly weren't sure what that would mean. I envisioned a protective Mama bird dive bombing my children as they played joyfully outside. 

I envisioned chirping baby birds that wouldn't be quiet...ever.

I envisioned our dog (or possibly even cat) eating the poor thing if it ever fell out of the nest, or even when it flew out. 

But, much to our surprise, none of that happened. In fact, it took so long for the eggs to hatch, we thought they were duds. Until one day, I saw this:

The boys and I were outside playing when the mama bird flew over to the nest with food. I saw the little baby birds' heads shoot up with their mouths wide open waiting for that tasty morsel of worm or whatever it was that Mama had brought them. 

And instantly, my heart melted. It was funny, I was thinking about how birds are on my top 5 not-favorite-things-of-all-time, yet I had this instinct to protect them, to scare off other birds who were waiting prey-like for the Mama to fly off and leave her babies vulnerable. 

I was scared to get too close those first few days. I wondered if I got too close, would the Mama abandon them? So, I kept a close distance. 

But as they got bigger, I got more daring. 

The Mama lost one egg and I'm not really sure whatever happened to the second, but I only ever saw 2 babies in there. And it was so sweet, watching how well the Mom and Dad cared for them, protected them, and cleaned up after them. 

It made me think of God, who loves, protects and takes care of us. We are so helpless, so needy and dependent, like these bird babies, and He holds each and every one of us in the palm of His hand. 

10 days after I saw the first little newborn baby bird head pop up, they started standing up and flapping their wings. I knew it was getting close to time for them to fly out of the nest. The boys were playing outside yesterday afternoon and I looked out the window to see Fiona going after something in the yard, while the kids were watching. 

I automatically knew what was happening. I ran outside, ordered Fiona back in, and stooped down to see the first baby bird had flown (probably more like hovered) out and was now needing to learn how to fly. 

It hopped around the yard and found a safe hiding spot. I watched it for awhile and finally came in, but not without snapping a photo of the other bird enjoying some solitude in the nest for some time.

This guy knew it was his turn next. He flapped and flapped, trying to get the courage. Finally, as I walked out the back door later that afternoon, he flew out! 

I felt like a proud Mama! I had grown attached to these silly birds and even though I was a bit sad, I felt pride as this little one had finally grown up. 

Neither of them are in the yard anymore, so I assume they learned how to fly and are off learning how to be grown-up Robins. This experience was a first for me, and it was a neat one. Nature is always a fun thing to watch and be a part of. And to be honest, it made me introspective about my own parenting and how I need to teach my kiddos how to live in the world, just like this Mama robin is going to teach her babies how to live in the bird world. 

Now, off to teach my own little birds how to grow up and fly on their own. It's a tough job, but one worth doing well. 

A natural coughing remedy

There are so many things to love about Springtime. The sun, things blooming, nice weather, but one thing I don’t like that is synonymous with Spring? Allergy and sinus season. Runny noses and nights of coughing seem to be the norm around here these days. As I type this, I too, and fighting sinusy sickness. Thankfully I’ve been blessed with relatively healthy children, but they are no strangers to sore throats and mounds of chest congestion.

When my boys get sick, they cough all night long. It’s hard for a mama to listen to her little ones cough and cough and not being able to do anything about it, not to mention, it’s impossible for them (or us) to get any rest! While I am not anti-medicine by any means, in fact, I am pro-medicine on lots of cases. However, I do try to limit the amount of meds that I give to myself and my boys. With the all night coughing going on, I had to figure out an alternative.

I stumbled upon a natural remedy site that had some helpful suggestions and I came up with this remedy:

honey  lemon juice water

Now, you know me. I don’t measure anything. But if I had to guess, I’d say to put 1 cup of honey, 3 tbsp lemon juice, and ¼ cup water. (Or you could do less, which is usually what I do).

Let me clarify a few things:

Honey: I buy local honey. It’s the only honey I use with this recipe (and with other things too). Local honey is supposedly helpful in fighting allergy/sinus problems, and it tastes way better than store-made honey. I suppose you could use raw honey also, but it is more pricey.

Lemon juice: I bet juice squeezed right from the lemon is best. As you saw from the picture, I use the lemon juice concentrate, mainly because it’s easier and I already had some on hand. I think either would work just fine.

I typically put all three ingredients in a small saucepan and heat over the stove until very warm and well blended. Then I just can it and put it in the fridge. When I am ready to give the boys a dose, I pour out a tablespoon, nuke in the microwave for 10ish seconds (just to a pretty warm state), stir and give it to them.

I usually also couple this with vicks on the chest and it does the trick every time. No coughing through the night! It also helps with breaking up all that yuckiness in their chests and noses.

Yay for natural remedies!

A Good Friday Post

This has been a rough morning. My kids’ attitudes have been just plain stinky, and we had to come home from our errands early because they just weren’t acting right. So, when we got home, I sent them to their rooms for awhile, explaining to them the reasons they were going to their rooms. But as I did that, I was reminded of how important it is to discipline gently and to extend love and grace to them as I correct them.

I always want my kids to feel loved and safe. Even when they do things that aren't good, I always want them to know I love them no matter what, in spite of what they do. So, I told them as I put them in their rooms that they were loved and accepted no matter what they did. “Mommy loves you no matter what.” Those words are powerful, but they didn’t come from me. Those words first came from Jesus.


“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.” John 15:9 


Which led me to thinking about today, Good Friday, and what Jesus’s love for us really means. He loves us no matter what.“We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for each other.” 1 John 3:16

When I think about this day and what it represents to me as a follower of Jesus (and I think about it a lot), sometimes I don’t quite know how to express how I feel about it. Some days the words/thoughts/feelings come and I am overflowing with gratitude. Other days I am stunned and awestruck at the cost, which leaves me speechless. 

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

It was a beautiful thing, what was done on the cross, but very costly. As I sit here today and reflect on this day, a few things go through my mind.

I am humbled.
I am moved.
I am shaken.
I am changed.
And I want it to change me more.

I pray often that I would love others (and especially my kids) as Jesus loves them. But do I really want that? Jesus endured a lot because of His love for us. He suffered, He died willingly for love. Will I be willing to do the same?

And I’m not just talking about physical dying either, although that is included. I’m talking about dying to my selfishness, pouring out my life to my kids and to others, living for others and not myself, caring about others’ joy. I know it will cost me a lot, a lot of my time, my energy, my everything. But, this is what I’m called to do. This is what I want to do. And I want to do it well.  

I just remembered that I was supposed to post about my laundry room, but we have been sickly this week and I just haven’t felt up to vacuuming and getting the last finishing touches done on cleaning it. So, it will have to wait til next week.

Hope your Good Friday is a blessed one!

Kids and chores

One of my strongest desires as a mama of boys (who will one day be men) is to instill a really good, strong work ethic into my children. I want them to work hard when they are out on their own, rather than just doing enough to get by. I want them to be helpers, to serve others, to be the ones to step up and say “I’ll do it!” when there is a need for men workers. Men were made to be the workers, the providers, and I want them to be ambitious to do just that. Translation = I don’t want them to be lazy. I have come to the conclusion that teaching them about this is something that is learned over time, not something they can learn in just a few short years. And, like everything else, takes intentional training on my part, and my husband’s too, of course.

Now my 2 year old will help you do anything. His name (Ezra) actually means “helper”, and he lives up to that name, for sure. But Jude on the other hand, who just turned 4 in February, doesn’t like to work. It’s a chore just to get him to do anything. And it’s a battle that usually goes like this:
Me: “Jude, please pick up all the toys in your room and put them in the bins.”
Jude: “I don’t WANT to clean my room!!” (in that high, whiny voice that makes me want to plug my ears and run for the hills)
Thus begins a long, drawn out battle, which usually ends with a somewhat clean room, but one very exhausted Mama.

This sound familiar? Now, I’ve since learned that he gets overwhelmed by tasks that seem too big, like, picking up all the toys in his room. If I break it down, he will (sometimes) do it without fighting me every step of the way. But, other times, he simply doesn’t want to. And here enters the training part of this deal. I have to be intentional about this if I want my kids to be hard workers.

I have to admit, a lot of times I am tempted to just do the easy thing, and either not make them clean at all, or make it easier on them so they don’t have to do so much. Neither of these things are good, and even though I give in to this temptation from time to time, I have to remind myself of the goal here. Do I want to just do what’s easiest for me (and them), or do I want to do my part by putting in the work to try to develop strong character as best I can?

That’s a no-brainer, huh?

The man who married Ross and I (check him out HERE, he’s pretty awesome) has called it 7000 days of intentional parenting, from crib to college. I love this thought, this way of viewing it. I want to do just that. Have 7000ish days of intentional parenting with each of my children. Goh, that sounds like a lot of days, doesn’t it? It really isn’t, though. It goes by so quickly and we, as parents, don’t have that much time with them. Let’s make the time we have with them count!

Oh, right, I was talking about chores. In our house, the only chore I am consistent with is having Jude make his bed every day. That’s it, folks. They will help me pick up the living room when I ask them (which isn’t every day, I confess). But this tells me I need to be better about this. I really need to make them a chore chart. Anyone know where I can get a good one? Since my kiddos don’t read yet, that makes doing the chart thing a little more difficult. Maybe make chore cards with pictures on them? I don’t know, but I am thinking it through and getting a plan in place.

On my own chore issue, I did finally get my laundry room mostly clean and organized, yippee!! Stay tuned to hear about it on Friday!

Kid-directed play

I read an article today about how the amount of children’s free play is on the decline and how some experts believe there’s a correlation between that and anxiety/depression. Here is the article. While I don’t really know if I fully agree about the anxiety/depression part, I definitely think there’s some merit and importance to kid-directed play.

This article brought up some interesting points. I’ll name a few that stuck out to me the most.

1) It is through play that children first learn how to make decisions, solve problems, exert self control, and follow rules.
I have never thought about this before, but it is so true. At this point in Jude and Ezra’s development, they usually make the wrong choices in solving problems and exerting self control, but that is how we learn, by making mistakes. I find that I have to consistently and constantly guide their play and interactions with each other. I’m ok with this for now, hopefully I am teaching them how to do this on their own for the future.

2) Children learn to handle their emotions, including anger and fear, during play.
I feel this is so important. Children need to learn how to have self control, not only physically, but emotionally as well. I think there are other situations where this can be learned, but play is definitely a big one.

3) Play helps children make friends and learn to get along with each other as equals.
“Social play is a natural means of making friends and learning to treat one another fairly. Since play is voluntary and playmates may abandon the game at any time if they feel uncomfortable, children learn to be aware of their playmates' needs and attempt to meet them in order to maintain the play.”
Couldn't have said it better myself. I love this thought!

And here are a few thoughts of my own:
1) Children learn how to value others in play. This kind of piggy backs onto the third point above from the article, but when kids attempt to meet others’ needs in play, they essentially are being sensitive to those needs and realizing that other people, their needs, and their feelings matter. (and are hopefully learning to put others above themselves)
2) Children learning how to play with other children of different ages is a good thing to learn. We have friends with children of the same age of our kids and different ages, and I love that our kids learn how to play with older and younger children. This is another reason why we want to homeschool (and probably will).

I’m sure there are a billion other reasons why kid-directed play is beneficial. I’m just glad my kids have a built-in play buddy/teacher of how to treat others, and friends whom we play with on a regular basis. A little side note, as I type this, one of my kids is crying because they aren’t playing well together. Go figure.

Peaceful Mama

1 Corinthians 14:33 For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.

I have to admit, lately, parenting has felt extremely chaotic, not to mention exhausting and life-consuming. I have mentioned this before. I haven’t thought much as why its been so exhausting, I’ve just been so consumed with trying to get through each day, my reflective thoughts and joy have been absent. Every morning I’ve been wishing for bed time to hurry up and get here. This is not a place I like to be in. That got me thinking, why is parenting so hard these days? Why am I so heavy hearted? I came across this verse earlier:

God is not a God of disorder, but of peace.

I know this and believe this, but parenting has been anything but peaceful lately. My life has been anything but peaceful lately. To be honest, I don’t really expect it to be peaceful all the time. After all, this world is one big messy place and my life is messy too. But, I do hope to be peaceful as I parent, and I haven’t been. It took me awhile to figure out why.

Sunday during church, the pastor said that Jesus wants to free us from duty so we can have delight. I love, love, love this and am grateful for it, but I’ve been struggling with it. Feeling like all of life is a duty I must endure. Ultimately I don’t believe that is what life is about, but I have been feeling so much of that lately. Being bogged down and heavy with the daily troubles of life. And I was reminded of my blog and the whole idea behind it. Viewing our duties as delights. This thought lead to the realization of the reason of why I’ve been struggling. I’ve been viewing parenting as a duty and not a delight. I’ve been getting frustrated with every instance of training and discipline, which is quite often these days. It feels like I have been living in a constant state of frustration, and all the little frustrations pile on top of each other, until they build up.  If all of life is just a duty, then yes, I will always be frustrated, because there are so many little (and big) inconveniences that happen every day. But if I change my focus, and view these discipline (and other) issues as chances to build character into my child(ren), then my frustrations aren’t frustrations anymore. They’re no longer inconveniences, but opportunities.

Jesus wants to free us from burdens, not add them. This doesn’t mean that life will be easy or nothing bad will ever happen. It does mean that I don’t have to be burdened with parenting, I can be free to love and discipline/train my kids as I have been called to do. I love that word, free. It’s all about putting the focus where it belongs, and stop focusing so much on myself and what I need to do. So much weight has been lifted off and I feel my joy and peace bubbling back to the surface.

Speaking of peace, I came across this blog (The Peaceful Mom) today, and I am intrigued by it. She and her family live on an income of less than $28,000/year and feeds her family of 6 (with 3 teenagers) on $100/week. I love this idea, and am really inspired by this. What do you think? Could it be done?

A biscuit DtD challenge and a nature walk

I received the Pioneer Woman's cookbook as a gift from a sweet friend this past Christmas, and I have to admit, I have barely even touched it the last two months. I've been busy, what can I say. So, when I opened it and saw there was a recipe for homemade biscuits, I just knew I had to try them.

I'd been wanting to try homemade biscuits for awhile, but a lot of recipes call for lard and I'm sorry, but I'm never buying lard. I refuse out of principle. So I gave up on the idea. 

Until I saw her recipe in the cookbook. It calls for shortening instead of lard, and even though shortening is gross (because it's basically lard itself, but at least it's not called that, ugh), I can do shortening. I got to working yesterday on my biscuits and this is what came out:

Overall, I would give this experiment a B-. The recipe was super easy and I liked the taste of the biscuits, but they just didn't rise enough. They were so flat! At least they tasted good. I have a billion of them though, so if you'd like to have some, I'll gladly share.

Today we went on a nature walk with some friends. The wind was blowing hard and I was sweating, but it was fun...for awhile. I was able to snap a few pics.

We played with moss, rustled around in the leaves, found a cool hole in a tree trunk to explore, listened to the wind blow the tree branches around, the woods have lots of fun things to investigate. 

But not long after I took that last picture, my kiddos fell apart and I had to put the camera up. Jude and Ezra were both tired and therefore melted down repeatedly, wouldn't listen or even follow me out of the woods. It took us so long to get back to the pavilion. We had to leave our friends early, and after I got home, I was exhausted.

Yep, I have hard days too. Life isn't peaches and cream all the time. But, I was grateful we had some fun before chaos ensued. Happy Friday, friends. Hope you get some fun in this weekend.

Learning to teach

I think the more I do preschool at home with Jude, the more I am starting to love it. There are many reasons why we don't do traditional preschool, but since we don't, I feel like he still needs to be learning as we live our lives at home and out in the world.

This is what school time looks like for us:

We don't have a curriculum we go by. Instead, we have these learning books that we do a few pages in several mornings a week. In these books, there are match-the-colors, tracing lines or circles, counting and coloring, follow-the-directions, and other things. The Basic Concepts and Alphabet Wipe Off book were gifts from my sister for Jude's birthday this year. Best books we've ever gotten. We usually work in the books for 30 or so minutes. I try to make sure all the big subjects are hit: numbers, letters and letter sounds, shapes and colors, and we practice writing our letters.

But, life and learning aren't just about head knowledge. We also do things like block-building, reading, game-playing, singing, puzzles, outside playing (and learning), errand running, cooking, alone-time playing, play dates with friends, field trips, library visiting, dancing, and probably other things that I am not remembering right now. We don't do all of this every day, mind you. I am not that organized. But, we try to get a little of it done most days. And for now? That is enough for me.

Now things go pretty smoothly, but when we first started this focused learning thing, Jude would fight it. He would sit there and say "I don't want to do this!" or he would literally fall apart and with as much drama as he could muster, would say "I CAN'T DOOOOOO THIS!!!!!" He has this "can't do this" mentality about everything. He can't clean his room, he can't turn on the light, he can't put on his shoes. Some of this is laziness, but I also think he gets really overwhelmed about things. It took me awhile to realize this. I used to just get frustrated and that makes the whole situation worse. He was frustrated and I was frustrated and that is a recipe for disaster. No one can learn in a tense environment.

When I finally realized that when I am too broad in my instructions, his mind can't grasp it, then he gets overwhelmed and shuts down. That's when meltdowns occur. If I simple it down (i.e. I say "let's try two more times", instead of something broad like, "Let's practice writing the letter A.") and if I talk him through it, he can process it much better and will usually continue to keep trying as long as I ask without melting down. That's all I care about, really. Not that he gets it right, but that he keeps trying.

Hopefully we can get to the point where I don't have to talk him through every step. I do want to teach him to think on his own and eventually do it without much help. But for now, this is good. We are improving and I'm pleased with that. It's so very encouraging and rewarding to see him learn, to have a hunger for learning and to grasping the concept of how to persevere. It's times like these that make me love being a mom.

I know some of you could not care less about this, but there may be a few of you who may be like me. Considering homeschooling, but doubting yourself about teaching your child and even possibly needing a little encouragement to do so. It's possible, folks! If I can do it, you can. :)

Tonight I plan on making a daily chore chart/list for both boys to start doing every day...I hope I can stick to this! It's hard to make kids work when they don't want to. Stay tuned to find out!

Adventurous boys

I’ve found that as a parent, you learn things as you go along...a lot of things. Mostly how to not pull your hair out of course, but in raising boys, I’ve learned a few specific things.

1) Boys are physical. Whether it’s tackling, dog-piling, pushing, whatever...they usually find it very difficult to keep their hands to themselves. (at least mine do) And when they’re sad, a comforting hug or hold of the hand is all they need to recharge and be completely fine again.

2) Boys have soooo much energy. I’ve heard that girls are usually good at sitting and doing a certain activity for certain periods of time...my boys can’t sit still for even a minute. I have to admit, at times it is exhausting, especially trying to think of positive ways to expel this energy.

And my biggest revelation of the last year:

3) Boys crave adventure. It’s hardwired deep into their hearts. Being superheros, playing pirates, pretending to navigate the jungle in the backyard, building forts (that could essentially be anything-a cave, a castle, whatever), action figures that fight, all these things and more are what my boys do on a daily basis. There is something deep within them that desires the need for adventure, to conquer, to have a purpose and do something significant. I absolutely love that God made boys (and men for that matter) this way.

So, what does the newest quest for adventure look like to my 2 little boys? Their recent obsession with play swords and play guns. And in fact, I have not seen anything wrong with encouraging this type of play. And then doubt and fear crept in as they always do. Is this wrong? Are we promoting violence? Are we raising our children to be violent weapon users? I asked Ross what he thought of this, and he didn’t seem at all concerned. Well, let me ask a veteran mom friend then, I thought.

So, at church on Sunday, I asked my friend who has raised three lovely children, two of whom are men now. Her advice was simple, yet so wise. She started out by telling me that when her oldest son was little, she never allowed toy guns or swords in her house at all.  Then at age three or four, for the boy, everything became a gun. His fingers were a fun, his car was a gun, I bet even his toothbrush became a gun. I think she realized some things at that point and that she had been a little too uptight about the issue. She soon started allowing gun and sword play.

She told me that it was a good thing for boys to be adventurous with their imaginations, and that pretend gun and sword play was fine, after all, being a protector is something that God built into them as men. But she advised me to listen to them as they’re playing. What are they saying? How is the play directed? Are they being mean or hurtful, or is it just role playing or done all in fun? I thought that was brilliant. If we pay attention to how they are playing, if it turns to something destructive or unhealthy, we can talk to them and direct it to a more healthy place. They can be a superhero trying to get the bad guys, or a knight rescuing a princess from a dragon guarded tower, instead of something hurtful or damaging. And this can be directed and influenced by me, especially if I am playing with them, which I usually do. 

So, I am more at ease about the gun and sword obsession. Boys will be boys, and they should be allowed to be boys. But in being boys, things can get out of hand if I’m not mindful of issues like these, after all, we are all sinful at heart. To be honest, I love seeing my boys have such imagination and such desire to be men of adventure. I just hope and pray that some of it sticks around long enough for them to be adventurous for Jesus.  

Parenting perseverance

I've been wanting to blog about our new learning materials we've gotten (and overcoming some learning mishaps), but every time I try to write it, I get writer's block and it sends into fits of crying and pulling out random hairs from my head.

Ok, that's not really true, but I am having a hard time for some reason. When I sat down to write today, all that was on my mind was the stress from the morning.

We hadn't had a play date all week with any friends, and Fridays are usually our play date days. I was looking forward to our date at the mall with our friends, and the boys were too.

Let me just preface this with this fact, Jude is going through this phase right now that...let's just say it's a hard phase. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a teenager. He has an attitude problem, he smarts off, and doesn't want to do anything we say. Of course this is not something we like to tolerate. And I will be very honest here. There are times I am really on top of training him on his attitude and there are times when I'm so weary of the daily things that consume me that I get lax on the training and we end up in the place we are in now. Super attitude-y, super rebellious, super smart mouth-y. (you like my super technical terms?)

So today, we meet our friends at the mall. Jude and I had a talk beforehand where I told Jude he needed to listen and obey, and I had him repeat it back to me. We always have this conversation every time we go somewhere. Sometimes he does great and listens, other times, not. Like today. I don't think he listened to one thing I said. Maybe that's an exaggeration, after all, we did get home in one piece. But maybe it just felt that way. Chaotic, stressful, exhausting. Not fun. And Ezra was not listening either. I felt bad that my friend had to be witness to such a stressful outing, and I even thanked her for dealing with my current "baggage." She was sweet about it. But I did tell her that we wouldn't be able to do any more dates out (other than at each other's houses) until the boys and I had some time to work on this not listening issue. It's just too stressful!

For Ross and I, its not near enough to just train him to correct his behavior or for him to just act the way we want him to. I don't think dealing with the exterior is enough. Although, having great behavior is a good thing, it's not ALL there is. I think it's important to get to the heart of the issue. What in his heart is causing him to act this way? The issues of the heart are complex, and even more so for a little one who doesn't understand the depth of such things. In the car after we left, I prayed that God would show me how to get to the root of this issue, and that He would help me parent accordingly. And of course that He would give Jude a joyful heart; after all, I can't change his heart, only Jesus can.

As I reevaluate my current parenting methods, or more like the lack thereof, I know I need to train more purposefully. This attitude business is not good, and I have not been consistent in the training for this behavior/heart issue.  Being consistent is the most effective parenting method out there, but it is a hard thing to do some times. Most of the time, I don't know what to do as a Mom, but when I ask God for wisdom, He gives me what I need every time.

I don't have all the answers, but truthfully, I don't think parenting was meant to be exhausting or stressful. I know it is hard, the hardest job we will probably ever do, and even frustrating at times. But a wise parenting book I read once said that God makes nothing complicated. I really believe that. So, I will persevere.

The end. Thanks for listening to me talk to myself...it helps, you know. :)

Birthday boy!

In July of 2007, I started feeling really weird. Like, so tired I couldn't barely keep my eyes open weird. Like exhaustion I'd never felt before weird. I had no idea what was wrong with me. This went on for a week or so and then it dawned on me. I could be pregnant. In fact, if I'm not pregnant, then I have no idea what is wrong with me. I didn't really believe I was, so I easily dismissed the thought. I mean, we hadn't even been officially trying, I had barely just gotten off the pill (for reasons NOT pertaining to trying to get pregnant), and heck, we had just celebrated our first anniversary and were planning on waiting much longer before having babies. But, I thought I'd rule it out and take a pregnancy test anyway.

I took 2 tests and they were both negative. Whew! I could breathe again. But after another 2 weeks of feeling exhausted and just not right, I couldn't shake the thought. Am I really pregnant? No way. But something told me to take another test just to be sure.

Positive.

Yikes! I took a second one.

Second positive. I was pretty much in shock. I ran into the living room yelling, "I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant for real!!" several times, as if I had to even convince myself that it was real. Then I sat down beside Ross and cried. Not a I'm so excited I can hardly stand it cry, it was more of a is this really happening kind of cry. I didn't feel ready. I didn't think our marriage was ready. We had talked about it and had wanted to wait to build a solid foundation ourselves before adding children to the mix, and 'we' were still so new. It was so overwhelming.

In the coming months, I settled in to the idea of having a baby. I got excited, giddy, and expectant to meet our new little one. When we learned we were having a boy, we couldn't have been more pleased. We had showers, bought clothes, washed the clothes, got the nursery ready, and when February 2008 came around, we were ready....or so we thought.

When we brought him home, the whole thing seemed surreal. Are we really doing this?? Did I really just have a baby?? It was strange, but in a good way. I was on cloud nine, with a new baby and an awesome husband, this is what every woman dreams of, right?

And then the sleepless nights started happening. I know people warn you about not getting sleep and how tired you are as a new mom, but no warnings will ever fully explain how exhausted you really are those first few months. And how much your baby cries those first few months. It was just plain rough. My world had been rocked and I thought it would never be the same again.

After those first initial months, it got easier. Not easy, mind you, but easier. I was stretched so much those first few months, and while it was hard at the time, looking back, I don't think I've ever been more thankful for another time in my life. It showed me how selfish I really was, it taught me what dying to self really looked like; what it meant to pour out all of myself for someone else; it showed me the tough stuff that a mother's love is made up of. A mother's love is tough, y'all. For those of you who have kids, you know what I mean. The sleepless nights, the piles of puke and poop that get all over you, the endless messes to clean up, all of it made me really love. Not just that surface type love, but the real stuff that the Bible talks about. I didn't do it perfectly, and I still don't, but I couldn't have done even a shred of it without the love and help of my Savior Jesus. There is no way I could have done any of that on my own. I am truly grateful for Him and for that time in my life.

I love being a mom. And I love my first born, my Jude Fergus, who has taught me so much about being a  Mommy. He definitely holds his own very special place in my heart.

Jude, you are a joy to be around and the funniest kid I know. You love to laugh and your laugh is so contagious. You are outgoing and I love that you love to talk to all kinds of people. I am so grateful to know you, to be around you every day, to watch you learn and grow. Even though you may not have been planned on our part, God planned for you and knew when you would be born, long before it happened. I pray for you every day and I know He has great plans for you.

Happy 4th birthday to my boy Jude!! Dad and Mom love you so very much!

2 years ago today...

Ross and I were at a Superbowl party. Earlier that day, we had had lunch with some family members at a local restaurant. My doctor had scheduled my c-section for that coming Thursday. My friends kept telling me to have a plan B, just in case something went askew. No way, I told them. Things will go just as routine and smoothly as they did the first time. I was convinced of it.

When I was just a few short weeks of having Jude, my doctor found out that he was in breech position and informed me that I would need a c-section. I was crushed. As I sat there, alone, at the doctor's office, I held back tears while I scheduled the date with my doctor. It never entered my mind that I would have anything other than the "normal" birthing process. You know, where you have that moment when it's time to go to the hospital, there's hustle and bustle and it's all unplanned, not to mention exciting. So, for my doctor to tell me we were setting the date to have a surgery to have my very first baby, it was very different from what I had dreamed of my whole life. And I was just plain sad about it. I finally became ok with it, and everything went as planned. And to be honest, afterward, I didn't care if he had come out of my ear, I was just glad he was born and healthy.

So, when it was time to have my second baby, I thought everything would go as it did the first time.

Wrong. God had a different plan. He's funny like that sometimes. Later that night after the Superbowl party, I started to get sick. Food poisoning reared its ugly head, and wreaked havoc on a 9 month pregnant woman. Not long after that started happening, the contractions started. No way am I in labor, I thought. Just a little food poisoning. But, after the contractions got closer together and more intense, we decided to call the on-call doctor at midnight.

Take her in, he says. But we had no plan B! What were we going to do?! Thankfully, a sweet friend came to be with a sleeping Jude while we ran off to the hospital. Yep, I was in labor. Yep, I was vomiting still. Yep, Ross was incredibly sick too. It was chaos. About that time, it had started snowing.

It continued snowing through the night, and by morning, a blizzard had happened. The roads and everything else were covered. And I was finally wakening from my drug induced night, feeling pretty icky, but at least I wasn't in labor anymore. And I wasn't vomiting either. Sweet.

That whole day was a roller coaster. My sweet family had all driven in (in the blizzard, might I add) to be with us and help take care of Jude. The doctor decided not to do the c-section that day because I had been sick, but they kept flip flopping. We might do the c-section, we might not. It was agonizing! After his heart rate dropped, they were convinced that that day, February 8th should be his birthday. And so he was born! 

Ezra James Fergus

7lbs 12oz

20.5in long

 (The pictures from his birth are on another hard drive, and sadly the only person who knows how to access them is in the bed sick. So, these are pictures at 2 days old. Still tiny and precious!)

Before he was born, I wondered, how could I ever love another child as much as I loved Jude? When you have one, you love them in such a way, you're not sure how you could love another. God gives us what we need, folks. He gives us enough love to love all of our little ones, each in a different way.

And as crazy as he coming into this world was, his personality totally fits the bill. He is extremely willful, stubborn, vocal and fearless. But he is also tender hearted, loving and cuddly. He is such a joy to be around. I can't wait to see the kind of man God makes him to be.

I saw this sweet video on facebook today and wanted to share the words:

"Who am I?
I'm a woman with many talents and interests. I love to read and I love to laugh. I love chocolate and I love to experience new things.
I have made many choices in my life.
And I chose YOU.
Yes, I chose sleepless nights. Messes. Tears. Some of the hardest days of my life.
But I also chose JOY. Love. Laughter.
Some of the sweetest moments I have experienced. Togetherness. Moments of peace. Appreciation.
I chose YOU.
And that choice has changed me forever...and quite possibly the world."

It kind of puts in perspective the love that God has for us and how He chose us by sending Jesus to die for us so that we could be saved. One of the hardest things He had to do, no doubt. I am grateful that Jesus chose me.

I have often wondered why God made me a mom. I feel like I fail at it on a daily basis. But, I am so, so grateful that He did. For being a mama to these 2 sweet boys is one of the greatest blessings I could ever experience.

Happy birthday to my sweet little Ezra!! You make life more enjoyable and fun!

Psalm 139:13-14
For you created my inmost being; 
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 
   your works are wonderful, 
   I know that full well. 

Having parented

The last few weeks have been particularly hard, parenting wise. I love being a mama, but if you have little ones, you know what this means. Some weeks are good, some weeks are just hard. It doesn't take some big huge thing to throw you for a loop. It could be something small, but it still rocks your world...and just because it's small doesn't make it any less significant.

There's just so much that goes along with raising little ones, knowing you're responsible for how someone turns out is pressure-filled, to say the least. There's just so much at stake. Yes, they have their own personalities and can make their own choices, but we help shape and mold them. Parenting is such a blessing, but it can be difficult too. And becoming discouraged is so, so easy. I've been discouraged about 450 times this week alone. That is why I am so grateful for people, for prayer, for truth, but mostly for Jesus.

I read an article today called Don't Carpe Diem. If you are struggling with your little ones and need encouragement, read it. She talks about how everyone always tells you to enjoy every moment of parenting, because they go by so fast, but that way of thinking just doesn't work for her. It, in fact, makes her panicky and paranoid, and makes her feel that if she's not living in that constant state, then she's doing something wrong. Do you know why I love this article? It's raw, honest, and you know what? I think it's ok. I think it's ok that she doesn't love every single second of parenting. It makes me feel like something isn't wrong with me because a lot of times, I feel that way too. Parenting IS hard, but there are good moments too. She says it like this: 
"Last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: 'Sugar, I hope you are Enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.'
There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, 'No. but I love having written.' What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, 'Are you sure? Are you sure you don't mean you love having parented?"'


So true. While I don't always love parenting, I love having parented. And I love my kids. So, so much. 

Things I am most grateful for this past week:
My husband. He is having a hard time also, but I just love him. He can admit when he's struggling, and while he's struggling, he still encourages, supports and prays for me.

My accountability group and my sister, who have lifted us up so fervently in prayer and with encouraging words.

The promises and hope I have in Jesus. That I can trust Him. Without His help, I am certain I would not be able to do this.

If I have any words of wisdom, it's this. Hang in there. Keep at it. And you are not alone. :)

10 things to do with your boys

I read an article that someone wrote about things to teach your boys. It got me thinking. Since I am still learning what it means to raise little boys who will one day be men, I was inspired to write my own post of things I currently love doing with my boys. Things I know they love and think will have a lasting impression on them.

1. Read to them.
They love to hear your voice. Heck, try doing different voices. They will love that even more!

2. Encourage them
Boys need encouragement. Well, all kids do. But in having boys, I've noticed that they really crave my approval. The way Jude's face lights up when I've praised him on something is the best. We will always be their #1 cheerleader, and they will probably always want us to be.

3. Play superheros with them, build forts with them, play in the dirt with them
These are all things girls don't normally like doing, but my boys love it...and sometimes we just need to get out of our own worlds for a little bit and go into theirs.

4. Hug them
Little boys need hugs from their mamas. Sometimes if we're on the road to Memphis, or anywhere where we're in the car for a long period of time and the boys are crying, I'll reach back and just hold their hands...they instantly calm down.

5. Explore with them
Whether it be outside, or trying to figure out some kind of toy or game, the need for adventure is ingrained in our little men. You won't always be invited on their adventures, so take advantage of it while you have the chance.

6. Jump around with them (yes, even on...gasp...furniture)
Most people have a "no jump on the furniture" rule, but in our house, we really don't mind it. Sometimes we have to throw out the stuffy rules and just have fun. It works for us!

7. Cook with them
They love it and their wives will thank you someday! Yes, it is messy, and yes, it will take much longer than doing it by yourself, and sometimes you may end up with food all over you and the floor. Clean up is not that hard, and the memories you make will be worth it.

8. Wrestle
My boys love to dogpile on Mommy. Most of the time I get hurt because someone jumps on my head or something, but I will never regret these moments. They always involve laughing and I'm glad for the times where we are laughing so hard we can't breathe.

9. Look at them when you talk to them
This is very important to Jude, and also important to me. He always says, "Mom, look at me!" when he wants my attention. You really know that someone's listening if they're looking at you.

10. Chase them
My kids beg for this...when Mom is feeling up to it, I comply. Nothing gets squeals quite like running in circles, trying not to get captured.

My advice is this: Even if you don't do any of these specific things with your kids, pay attention to what your kids love and do those things with them. It doesn't matter if its fishing, or playing ball, or doing a science experiment. Every kid's interest's are different, and they will love that you take an interest in what they love. For every time you sacrifice your time, or sacrifice doing something you love, you build them up. They may even take those sweet and fun memories with them into adulthood.

The toy monster

(eating ice cream at the mall today with friends)

I thought it would be a good idea to take Jude and Ezra to get their cousin a Christmas present the other night. As we went from store to store, Jude would say "I think Shawn wants this," but I really think he was the one who wanted it. Although I did at least get an idea of what we could get him from the grandparents, it certainly did not end pleasantly, with me carrying Jude out of the store - football style - while he threw a screaming, thrashing fit. Good times with a 3 year old, right?


For the past 3 Christmases, since having kids, we have been able to use that line "they're not old enough to really care what they get" and its been true. I have to admit, I've loved that rule. They'd be happy with just about anything we got them. But this year, consumerism has reared its ugly head. For a kid who doesn't get a lot of "stuff," and who has probably only seen 2 commercials in his life, he is going full speed on the "I want" train. He wants just about everything, and all he can talk about is presents. When are we getting presents, where's all the presents, when is it time for presents, is what I hear 50 times a day.

I have prayed, asked friends and racked my brain as to how I gear him more to giving, rather than receiving and to help him see what the real present/focus is during the Christmas season, but that's a hard concept to convey to a 3-almost-4 year old. My wise mama-friend of 5 kiddos told me some much-needed-to-hear things. She of course told me to model what giving looks like, and show how joyful it is to give. But she also told me just to continue to remind him what the season is all about. To have lots of talks with him. To emphasize Jesus and how giving is more important than receiving. To be gentle, and keep reminding him who the real Present is. My tendency is to get frustrated, having to say the same things over and over and over again. But, its important. Little ones forget things so quickly, they need to be reminded again and again. In fact, I think that a lot of times, I tend to forget quickly and need to be reminded again and again too. 

Here is Jude, hard at work coloring the frog green. :)

Refereeing boys

In my opinion, being a referee is probably one of the most exhausting parts of being a parent. I love having boys, and I love that they are so close in age. Building and playing in forts, dog piling, playing in the dirt are all things this mama loves doing with her boys. What I don't love? The constant competition between them, the fighting over toys, hurting each other on purpose. No kidding, Ezra busts out in tears at least 40 times every day. They really do love each other and play together greatly, but they do the thing where they play and then they fight. And then more playing and more fighting. Play, fight, play, fight. It can get tiring trying to deal with that a billion times a day. I'm find myself thinking that I should just let them duke it out. They are boys after all. 

We are constantly trying to teach Jude how to be kind to his little brother, and to his friends. Anyone who thinks people are inherently good has not had little kids. Jude can be flat out mean. No one had to teach him this, but his mean side most definitely comes out, and more times than I'd like to admit. 

I've been praying for Jude and with him that God would help him to be more kind. It sometimes seems like we're getting nowhere. There are many days I get discouraged, so discouraged that I want to just give up all together. But then I came across this book today:

I have no idea who gave us this book or where it came from, but I've seen it around our house and have never taken the time to read it to Jude. I don't know why, honestly. We read tons of books from the library, but we don't read much of our own, for some reason. 

But I'm so glad I read this to him. This book is so cute! It's about the little boy (Seedling) and how he's mean to his kitty cat and the cat runs away to hide from him. But at the end, he learns how to be sweet to the kitty and they become snuggly friends. And at the very end of the book, it has a verse that I wrote on our white board that I will remind Jude of every time he is mean to his brother, or to anyone else. 

"Let your gentleness be evident to all." Philippians 4:5 

I am so encouraged by this answer to prayer, that the Lord gave me this to help in training and teaching both of them. Maybe this will help keep a little more sane too. What do you think? How about you mamas out there? How do you teach your children to be kind and gentle to others?