Monday, June 18, 2012
Lately, my thoughts and feelings have been so jumbled, I haven't even known where to begin to start a post. I've sat down and even started writing so many times, but have eventually just deleted what I started. I'd like to use work as an excuse, but that's just not the case. Yes, I've been working a lot, but that is not the whole truth. With my work, it's straight forward, I type what other people say and try to get their story down right. I don't have to think about myself or sorting out any of what's in my head. It almost makes choosing it over this so much easier. And then I think, well, I do have a ton to do (which comes with strict deadlines), therefore the decision to work over write is even easier. I can push my internal stuff aside and focus on someone else. And to be honest, work has been kind of a distraction for me, it keeps my mind busy, and I like that a lot.
But this blog has been a little constant thought in the back of my brain every day. Don't get me wrong, I love writing. I love writing about my life, and I really love having this blog...obviously, or I wouldn't have started it. But, when you don't even feel like you have much to offer anyone (or anything else), it becomes hard.
Like I said, my thoughts and feelings have been a big ole mess here recently. And I've struggled with all I want to share on here. But the blogs I love most are written by people who aren't afraid to share their real selves, their real struggles. And ultimately, I want to be real. I don't only want to show the happy parts of my life, where I have it all together and everything is a delight instead of a duty...cause that's just not how it really is. So, here it goes.
Most of you know, Ross has been job hunting for what seems like forever. It's really only been since November or so, but it feels like a lifetime. The funding for his current job has run out, and they told him that he'd be covered until the end of June. At the time, it seemed like such a long way off, surely we'd have something else by then. But here we are at the end of June (almost) and we're still jobless, we're still in the same exact place we were all those months ago.
The word frustrating doesn't even cut it. I have struggled so very hard through this time, going from full of hope to hopeless. I've had complete trust in God one day, to having no trust the next day. It's been a roller coaster of feelings and emotions for sure. Ultimately I know God will take care of us, but when you have absolutely no control over or even knowledge of your future, and you can't see how God will work it all out, things feel a bit shaky, to say the least. It's definitely shown me Who my security must rest in. Not in my circumstances, not in having a job, not in the being in control of my life, and certainly not in being comfortable. This has most definitely not been a time of comfort. There have been days that I've cried. That I've wondered what in the heck God is doing, been frustrated with Him and wondering when He will give us an answer. But my faith and my marriage have grown too. Ross and I have grown closer together through this, learning to lean on each other more. And my faith... there are really faith-filled days when I am completely at peace and joyful in where we are, and what God is going to do, even though I have no idea what it is yet.
So, we are waiting now. And we are praying. And we continue to trust. It's a hard place to be in, but it's good, too. It's good because this is where the growth comes in, as a person and as a follower of Jesus.
James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
And ultimately I know where and with who my future lies, so, what do I have to fear?
The most recent update is that Ross flew out to a research company in Richmond, Virginia last week to interview and he said it went really well. We are still waiting to hear back from them, so hopefully that will happen soon, but we are trusting no matter what the outcome is.
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